[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
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All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Home is where your toilet is.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle