After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
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On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Breaking news:
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
My purse is deeper than some people.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?