I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
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“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.