Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
You Might Also Like
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.