Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
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My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.