Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
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Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today