I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
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[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Always a metermaid never a meter
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.