my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
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*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe