Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
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“you recording!?”
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”