just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
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In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try