Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
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Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.