Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
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“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.