cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
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Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me