Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
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Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
relationship goals
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day