They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
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I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
this was the best i’ve ever seen
this FaceApp is creepy af
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
fixed it
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.