My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
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I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.