[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
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Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment