I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
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to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Hank is one in a melon.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present