Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
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doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.