If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
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her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
consequences, the bane of my existence
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
S M O L
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
some cats are just doing for fun!
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
uncle dave has been through hell
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.