me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
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Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I have so many questions.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.