Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
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People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.