Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
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Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
men, we mow at sunrise.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
dictator is short for richard potato
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special