Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
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My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.