Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
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people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.