How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
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Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
That’s amazing.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Feels
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”