So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
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romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw