The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
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Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.