I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
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Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED