me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
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You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
March 16
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa