I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
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I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Finally!
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama