this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
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“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.