ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
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[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.