Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
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Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.