Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
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me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
the composer
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.