Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
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[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
my dad has had enough
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny