WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
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Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
For the ones in the back.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)