Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
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Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story