It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
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Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
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[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague