Time is precious, waste it wisely.
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[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving