Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
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[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge