I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
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For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
What number SPF blocks people?
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense