One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
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My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.