I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
You Might Also Like
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge