“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
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ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.