Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
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(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war