[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
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WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.