Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
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[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri