If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
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I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
i think my razor is having a panic attack
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?