‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
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*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Is this you?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
*Inspirational Tweets*
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.